Relationships

Why do people do Latin dancing? Most presumably like to dance, but there are also social aspects.

In particular, many guys view dance as an avenue for meeting women - and lots of women on the dance floor are looking for companionship, too.

So what if I told you that salsa is one of the worst ways to meet women?

Actually, I wouldn’t tell you that, because I don’t really know what the worst social activities are; surely salsa can’t be as bad as marlin fishing. Moreover, my experience is limited to the Gothic, asexual, yuppified city of Seattle, know for its “Seattle freeze.”

However, salsa fans around the world have struggled to cope with the social scene. The great majority of beginning salsa dance students - perhaps 95% - will drop out after their first few classes. It’s normally assumed that they’re simply overwhelmed by the incredible difficulty of learning how to dance. However, I suspect the social scene also hits many like a brick wall.

Weird Salsa

If you’re new to social dance, and you jumped in hoping to meet that special someone - or just find a good friend - you may be in for a shock: The salsa scene can be amazingly asocial, even anti-social. In fact, it can be downright bizarre.

On the positive side, salsa is amazingly clean; Latin dancers don’t even drink much, and many salser@s won’t even date other dancers. Yet at the same time, insiders often talk about salsa’s sleazy underbelly.

Some have asked Why are some great dancers chronically single? - and those great dancers include instructors and salsa stars, some of whom trade partners like used furniture. If you don’t believe me, check out the instructors in your neck of the woods.

Some reply that people in their position, to be perfectly blunt, can easily get all the sex they want - so why tie yourself down with a partner? Of course, that isn’t a crime, but it kind of highlights salsa’s reputation as shallow and artificial.

Another example of that shallow aspect consists of guys who tell you how thrilling it is to dance with beautiful women - even though they never even learn their names, let alone go out with them. Yes, that can be cool, but it can also be enormously frustrating, even painful for people who were duped by the dance mill operators who promote salsa as a great way to meet people.

Of course, all Latin dancers are individuals. Some are looking for sex, others for relationships - but a surprising number are looking for none of the above.

Shut up and dance!

To put it in perspective, here’s a shocking factoid: Many women (and at least some men) are addicted to salsa or other Latin dances because - brace yourself - they like to dance.

Some have significant others who stay home while they go out dancing. Even if they’re single, they may be afraid of dating members of their local salsa scene, which can be almost incestuous. It’s kind of like dating people you work with. Get it?

However, it gets worse, because salsa is a little spicier than secretarial work. Many people live in fear of the temptation that stalks the dance floor. Which would bother you more - your girlfriend talking to some nerdy computer programmer or your girlfriend passionately dancing bachata with some tall, handsome stranger?

That’s good news for people who might not be particularly attractive or cool; many women will eagerly dance with any nerd who’s a good dancer while snubbing attractive guys who can’t dance. But that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re interested in you.

I recall a forum thread started by someone asking for advice regarding a salsa date. The general consensus appears to be DON’T TAKE HER SALSA DANCING, largely because of the dangers of other guys hitting on her. So if you decide to date a member of your scene, you may not want to take her dancing. Do you understand what I mean when I say salsa is weird?

Practical Problems

There are some amazingly simple obstacles to meeting people on the dance floor.

Shut up and dance!

For example, it can be hard to even talk to your dance partner; how can they hear you over the loud music? How can they concentrate on keeping the beat and performing demanding moves while carrying on a conversation? And why would anyone want to visit with you in the first place when they’re there to dance?

Merely talking to your partner can be interpreted as hitting on them; some people really expect you to shut up and dance.

Caste System

Many salsa instructors promote dance as a way to meet people. In a cruel irony, the lady you’re interested in may be more interested in dancing with the instructor than you. In fact, they’re probably going to be more interested in dancing with anyone who’s a better dancer than you.

Salsa operates on a strict caste system, and guys who are just beginning are on the lowest rung; you’re garbage - and there are women who will let you know it.

More Obstacles

Of course, it can be rough for women, too. They have to be alert for sharks, gropers and hotshots or clumsy beginners who might even injure them. Alex Da Silva - a salsa superstar who was convicted of raping a student(s) - may be an anomaly. However, I was shocked when a member of an online forum closed down an Alex Da Silva thread with an incredibly sleazy post aimed at the woman who started the thread; as another poster implied, he sounded like a serial rapist himself.

Though salsa isn’t as youth oriented as some dances - reggaeton, for example - there are limits. If you’re in your forties or fifties, you may have a hard time fitting in.

Salsa might also be another casualty of the class war that’s tearing America apart. Latin music originally belonged to the people; it was community oriented. Indeed, the elite originally snubbed some genres, including bachata.

But the relationship has been turned upside down in the U.S. Few U.S. citizens have relatives or friends who can teach them Latin dance. That means they have to take classes, which cost money.

Many salsa addicts boast about how inexpensive salsa is. But don’t tell that to working class people. The people who succeed at salsa are the ones who can afford to take endless classes and expensive private lessons, perhaps traveling to an occasional salsa congress or bachata festival. In contrast, a quarter of the U.S. population - the unemployed, semi-employed and people working with slashed salaries and no benefits - probably couldn’t afford salsa dancing.

A growing army of yuppies has forced many working class people out of their homes, jobs and favorite clubs in Seattle, where the salsa scene sometimes seems like Club Microsoft. To what extent the same has happened in other cities isn’t clear, but many people complain about the commercialization of salsa, a somewhat related phenomenon. At any rate, I suspect many people would be more comfortable mingling with salseros in Latin nations than in their own backyard.

Salsa vs The Real World

Dating and relationships in the salsa scene are the topic of countless discussions you can explore online, prompting many dancers to retort in frustration, “Get a clue - It’s Life!”

They insist that the same rules and conventions that govern relationships in the real world apply to salsa. But others insist that salsa isn’t part of the real world. Edie The Salsa Freak says Latin dance is like cocaine for guys. While that may be a little extreme, it makes a valid point.

One of the key words is expectations. When you play soccer or go rock climbing, you don’t necessarily expect to meet a lot of people, and you certainly don’t expect them to flirt with you. Latin dance is sensuous and sexy, and it involves holding people, not just stealing a soccer ball from them.

Many people really do believe that dance is a great venue for meeting people, and many take it up for that very reason. When reality hits them over the head, it can be a crushing blow. If you can’t date people you work with, and you can’t even meet people on the dance floor, then where the Hell are you supposed to meet people?

If you fall in love with a salsera only to learn that she’s sleeping with your instructor, that might be the last straw. Then again, some addicts care more about the dance than any relationship; if forced to choose between salsa and their significant other, they’ll choose salsa.

Free Advice

In short, Latin dance probably isn’t what you think it is, and there isn’t a lot of helpful information and advice out there.

In the end, the best thing to do is just try it for yourself; maybe you’ll get lucky and meet someone. Or maybe you’ll become so addicted to the dance, you forget all about meeting people.

But don’t invest a lot of time and money in salsa if you’re just looking for a better social life, because it can actually be a big step backward.

Many, if not most, of the pros will tell you that looking for a special someone is NOT a good reason to take up Latin dance. Some insist that you should NEVER date in the salsa scene.

The best reason to take dance classes is to learn how to dance. If you’re passionate about dance, then you’ll meet other people who share your passion, and maybe you’ll be able to connect with someone some day. If you’re lucky.

In summary, it’s complicated. The links below are just a tiny sample of the free advice you can find online.